sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
