The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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