I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
