I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
