our cab driver is having phone sex.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
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Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
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it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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