omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
