I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
