i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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