Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize