You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I think my fart just growled at me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I will pee on everything he values.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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