I skipped work to stalk him.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
