I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
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then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
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Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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