The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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