yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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