I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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