my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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