he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
