I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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