Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
