Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
