cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
