and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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