Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
