well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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