Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
