Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
