I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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