Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
