Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
