My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
