any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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