Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
