Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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