Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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