I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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