Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
