normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
