so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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