false alarm. still invincible.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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