it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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