Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
