Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
