There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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