if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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