My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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