I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Come on in and take your pants off
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