i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
