one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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