I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Randomize
