she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
