I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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