u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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