my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
