i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
