batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
