he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
