I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
